Two Months

It has been sometime since I felt able to write. A week after my last post, Steve lost his battle with cancer. Today marks two months since his passing.Sometimes it feels like it has been so long - other days it feels like it was just yesterday... I will try to share what the last little while has been like.

One of the  things being talked about was moving Steve into hospice care. We talked with Steve about it Friday night and he understood all too well what it meant. Steve ended up having his Endoscopy on Monday not Friday. On Friday he was sure they were going to have some answers for him with that scan. But the weekend was long and he was just getting weaker. By Monday it wasn't really an issue for him not to eat or drink prior to the procedure, he wasn't that interested anyway. He had the scan and it simply revealed what we all knew. The cancer was doing its job on him. So what to do next?
We had some very special nurses caring for Steve. One in particular - Kristyn - was his most consistent day nurse and he really liked her. Tuesday morning she asked if she could be honest with me about her observations, I welcomed that. I felt like not enough people were being completely honest. She felt that Steve was not getting better and would I give her permission to talk to the team. ABSOLUTELY! She had been caring for Steve for 3 weeks and gave voice to what I already feared - nothing was working, we were treating symptoms but not making him better. He COULD NOT get better. As we talked to the team it was decided that we would stop pumping him full of fluid, stop filling him with antibiotics and just make him comfortable. no monitors, no blood draws, no poking or prodding. That same day the stake president dropped by and gave us both a blessing. Steve was very peaceful but seemed to have lost the ability to communicate.I could only read his pain level by facial expression.

I never left the hospital after Sunday. I was afraid to leave his side. That was a good choice. Wednesday evening there was a definite change and we felt the end was near. Miraculously all of the kids (except Elder Chidester) were back in town. So we all stayed with him that night, Talking, laughing, sharing memories and shedding some tears. We had great nurses who gave us blankets and pillows and staked out a conference room for some of us to sleep a wink or two. Zach and Britta made food runs so we didn't have to leave Steve's side. By noon the next day Steve was still with us so the twins went to their dentist appointment and the rest of the boys made a burger run. Kimberly, Stephanie and I stayed with Steve. After a while Kimber decided to serenade Steve with some Beatles tunes, After a few songs he was gone. January 14 is a day I will never see the same, My life was forever changed.

The rest of that day and the next few are a fog. I have never looked death in the face before and I hope I don't have to again for a few more decades. I will share more tomorrow,